I am finally starting a blog, it's 2004 right?
Why now? I need to get out of my brain a bit. It is damn crowded in my skullspace and all the good, bad and ugly is just all getting too jumbled up. If you are reading this then thanks, I plan to be also posting drawing, long-gestating thoughts and just whatever I need to release. I figure if I can start here with my brain, off-loading all that I am carrying inside, then maybe I can make sense of what is going on outside as well.
It's been a bit of a year for me. This time last year, I was working a full-time job in graphic design, living a full-on domestic lifestyle with a house, my wife, two children and a cat. I was about to get an iPhone and as an iNerd, that was a big happy deal.
Cut to a year later and things are quite different. I am separated, working sparingly in a new career, living in my Dad's basement away from my children and cat... Yes, I still have the iPhone though but it is a little less satisfying since they put a new one out.
2010/11 has been a shift of all of my norms. I see my sons a lot and I suppose at some point once I have the appropriate living arrangement I will claim my cat from my Ex?.. Frankly, I don't know what to call her. In my mind I still go to wife and that is still a lot more than just habit.
I went back to school to start a new career. I finished well and it has since been both satisfying and frustrating at the same time. I help people, that is cool but I have no stability, frequency or routine. That is aggravating when your entire life has been thrown into utter chaos and upheavel. I miss my old career yet the thought of it also stings and smolders. I lack a sense of what I am doing and what I want to do.
The hardest part of all that I have gone through though, is that I am surrounded and feel scrutinized, likely not on purpose but I do feel in this flip flop of loneliness and aimlessness while being judged and questioned as to why I haven't moved on. Love and support no matter how well intentioned, appreciated and still needed, still at times feels like being eyeballed through a peephole in the ceiling while you are taking a shower.
If I didn't have my sons and they weren't the best part of my life right now, I would of just left here and started over somewhere else. I could be "that new guy, the new with nervous smile, who never talks and seems really sad but since we don't know him who cares and why is staring at my boobs?" Anyways, I am already that here anyhow.
Escape is a luxury I don't have but my boys are also the best reason to stay.
So, what else then? When does the shitty end and and the shiny start? See, I want to be different, but I also want to be what and where I was, cuz, it was closer to LaFiesta and I love burritos. I miss so much about who I was, even with the realization that I wasn't completely satisfied and happy in that state. So now I am trying to sort through the wreckage of this past year.
My instinct has been to just grab it all, stick it in some bags and carry it all until I know where I am going, like there is some destination where I can just drop all out of those sacks, set it out and there, everything's all better. I see that is ridiculous but as a creature of comfort and that is how I deal with it.
So, I guess, this is the floor so I suppose I am just going to start emptying some bags a bit at a time, making a trail, of my cobbled past. On the upside, I can look back and see where I have been, what's been there for so long and what I don't need anymore.
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